Pope Francis Declares ‘Fornication is No Longer a Sin’


Pope Francis is obviously
78 years old, but due to  his humility,
compassion, and jovial conduct, has earned him the label of “The Coolest Pope
of All Time.” Just when you thought he couldn’t get any cooler, the Holy Father
personally announced today at his General Audience that, last night, he had his
first wet dream in 65 years and it was life-changing.
In fact, the wet dream was kind of so glorious that he has used
his divine authority as Pope to declare that fornication is no longer a sin.
“What were we even thinking?” the Patriarch of the West asked
rhetorically to the audience, all of whom were crying tears of joy, washing
away all their years of Catholic guilt. “I’ve sat in that hot wooden box for
years, heard you all confess the same sins over and over. Masturbation,
fornication, adultery and lesbian porn! Now I know what the fuss was all
The Servant of the Servants of Christ explained to the
congregation that, until last light, his first and last wet dream was at age
13, after which he promptly decided to become a priest. “After that wet dream – Marylin
forming a Roman arch, her thick thighs wide open like the pearly gates, her
holy of holies as wet as the river of Babylon – I was so disgusted with my
subconscious that I remembered Zion, wept in repentance, and gave my entire life
in service of the Lord Jesus Christ.”
Asked what was diverse about this wet dream, the Vicar of Christ
said “well the woman, for one. Destra is one heaven of a woman!”
The wet dream did not occur without consequence. The Supreme
Pontiff of The Universal Church has also made a number of landmark changes to
Catholic moral teaching.
“Masturbation and fornication are no longer sinful. Adultery is
only a sin for the first seven years of marriage after which I totally
understand you wanting to experience coitus with fresh genitalia. I will also
be applying an ex post facto reprieve for persons spending time in hell for
sexual sins. They will all be set free and sent to heaven.
These things are now virtues worthy of heaven. I mean, it has to
be a virtue. I’ve had the worst back ache for some 40 years now but after last
night I feel so relieved! I think I can go for a walk or even a jog later.” The
Primate of Italy then thought for a moment and changed his mind. “Actually, no
jog. I think I found a much better way to spend my alone time.”


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